AND!  You can’t be adding provisions after the ban is active. =_____=

Oct 15, 2011: Purchases are banned until savings cushion has been restored to its former glory +30%. Time limit = December 30, 2011. Exceptions listed below. Absolutely No Rollovers.

1. On food for lunch, maximum $10/day.
2. Item is necessary for daily use.
3. On necessary school supplies and school-related fees. (added Oct 16)
4. Item is severely discounted from original price, 50-60%. (added Oct 24)
5. Item is a gift. (in use since Sept 19)
6. 2 free purchases provided they don’t exceed $30 each (added idk when T__T)

Stuff I’ve purchased under the ban under each exception, some actually legit:

1. Exam registration (#3)
2. School tote bag (#3)
3. Inkjet MF Printer (#3 and #4)
4. Game and sequel on PC (#4)
5. Game on Steam (#4 and #5)
6. .mp3 player (#4 and #5)
7. Beads and jewels for deco stuff (#5)
8. Tickets for a comedy show (#5)
9. Tablet stand case (#6)
10. Book (#6)

I’ve made use of those provisions to the fullest, instead of sticking to the original intent of the ban- which was not to spend money on things I just want.  But they all fall under the exceptions! I haven’t gone on those crazy shopping sprees I used to do twice a week! I sound like a shopaholic trying to justify my crazy habits, because that’s what I am.

But I am still on my way to making that 30% increase in savings. lol

I am good at this, and it is bad. Next time, I should have more stringent requirements. Like how each exception can only be used 2 times while the ban is active, that’s a good one. Or realistic amount limits, which I’ve tried once before with a different strategy, and it totally worked (then I promptly forgot about it). But I’m pretty sure I can find ways around that too. I’m competing against me for the benefit of ..me. ahah

I should’ve known I can’t go cold turkey. I’m the type of person you ease into things. Or at least, you pretend to ease into things first, and then force it on me completely. That’s how it works. I don’t have discipline. I just got used to working full-time and spending my hard-earned cash. Two years of it is a hard habit to break.

But I’ll be back into student mode soon, so I think I’m just going all out before it’s that Where In Hell Will I Get Money Today To Eat A Full Meal season again.

anything by inio asano, my bready friend suggested, tears of amazement, no jk. Solanin was the author’s most famed work and was turned into a movie, so I picked that first, expecting something flashy, a bit surreal and full of drama like the last manga I read, Paradise Kiss.

But I stayed up that morning to finish the entire story, relating more to the main character than I wanted to at first.

Meiko, 24, graduated from college and went straight to working as a clerk for two years. She’s stuck in a rut and unhappy about it, but also doesn’t have direction in life. Decides to quit her job to get things started, but ends up wasting her time and savings on a lazy summer, mulling too much over becoming motivated to do anything about it. It’s not until tragedy strikes that she finally loses that fear of failure, which is a terrible but great lesson in itself.

Perfectly plausible, right? Here I was, living proof of the quarter-life crisis. I know I want to do something, but I don’t have the confidence to follow through and go for it. I’m scared of tipping the scales and losing what I have, which is a good, average life by anyone’s standards. But I also know that the rewards are so much greater, should I choose to risk doing anything different. I just can’t get over that fear of failing disastrously once I’ve picked something to do.

So when tragedy struck for her, I was completely vested in the story, with everything hitting closer to home than it should, on the eve of one of the most terrible nights in my life. The redeeming part though is that my ‘tragedy’ isn’t so permanent like hers. At the very least, I can have faith that mine will work out in the future. But I have to put honest effort into my career choice now, and stop being so wishy-washy about it.

I like the art too, clean and simple, but every frame is valuable to the story, like a good movie. So when I finally go to watch the movie, will it play out like a manga that’s like a movie? lol. I highly recommend the manga though.

And as a nod to Bready, I read a few chapters of Oyasumi Punpun! Coming from Solanin it’s at a faster pace that will take some getting used to. The narration is very blunt– the humor is intended to desensitize people from the dark reality of Punpun’s horrible life experiences. Very intriguing. =)

Read Solanin over at Manga Reader! : )

Not to say that I’m the patron saint of forgiveness or anything. I can get pissed off occasionally too; I am human, I have that ability (especially at my brother, poor thing. I’m so mean to him all of the time, ahah). But I tend to let things slide most of the time, even more so if our relationship is not so good/not so close/I jus dun know you, brah. lol. You can’t offend me if I don’t care as much as you do about something. What a dick, right? That’s me. Being cool, I don’t lose my cool.

But ultimately, this detachment isn’t a good thing. It’s made me into this passionless, lazy bastard who lacks direction in life because I can’t relate to other people’s motivations. I think it’s so great that other people can choose a hobby or career and throw themselves into it because they love what they’re doing and/or actually want to do good. I will encourage you to keep at it if I agree with how it fits you. But I can only be so supportive because I know what it’s like not to have anything to be passionate about. It’s very bland and colorless on my side.

This post is quite sad. But believe me, I’m pretty happy at the moment. xD In fact, I even have clearer priorities and solid goals, in comparison to the first half of the year. But that’s what I always say after I come back. So how’s about I keep quiet and do more stuff, then have something to show for it?

20 days til Christmas!! :O

Let me share with you a list of all my stupid mistakes today.

1. Didn’t look up my routes beforehand. I was just too eager to get out and drive. Serves me right, because it took me an hour to get to work after dropping my brother off at school (normally 10 minutes), and maybe 2 hours to get home (would’ve taken 25). I got very lost and got to visit some really unfamiliar places.
2. Kept missing my turns. “I’ll make the next one” was my mantra today, only the roads ahead went on FOREVER then mostly led to THE HIGHWAY. Which made me scared to change lanes and made sure I was heading somewhere far off-map.
3. The ones I got away with but shouldn’t have: Not signaling to turn, driving with my e-brake on, driving without a seatbelt, not taking my right of way, speeding up to make it on yellow, not turning off the engine to fill up gas, tunnel vision, too much speed on turns, too little speed on roads, blanking out at complicated intersections, and one other unmentionable thing that relates to not knowing how to park.
4. Panicking. Realizing you’re going to get lost + being lost + parking in some residential area with no familiar roads + only a vague notion of how you got there = made me want to cry and call my dad and have him pick me up. Had to suck it up and get back on the road again, but it wasn’t easy.

Does it get better from here? I really hope so. I want to improve, to the point where I’m at least driving with the rules in mind. For now, I won’t be giving friends or relatives rides, and won’t be driving without a map/GPS/uncharged phone, and avoiding highways until I feel ready. And I think I should be reading the DMV manual everyday until then.

I hope someday to look back on this post and not remember dread.

Life is so noisy right now. I feel very accomplished, but also exhausted, yet inspired. I like and don’t like it. Why is anxiety necessary in life?

I realized earlier in the year that I have so many goals I want to achieve before it ends. I’m slowly getting through my list, but the year’s almost halfway through! Where did all that time go?

I think a list would help me focus. These are what I have been into/up to lately:

1. the ‘Why Not?’ Mentality
This is my ‘focus’ this year, asking ‘Why Not?’ when I find myself saying, “I can’t do that/I won’t try that/I never will do that.” It’s highly empowering to challenge yourself to do things you’ve never done, eat foods you’ve never tried, and be honest with yourself about big questions. I like this Me who tries new things.

2. Gaining control of my finances.
Besides cutting back on sporadic but expensive shopping sprees I used to do, I started to follow my set budget closely and built up my savings. I finally requested my first credit report in January, set up a high-interest savings account with a federal credit union, got my first credit card and paid off the last two balances completely, and successfully/significantly raised my credit score. Next up, pay off student loans.

3. Getting my driver’s license.
23 and still no license? Not anymore! I just received my license card in the mail today. The redesigned template is friggin cool- I have never felt my signature before, or been so amazed by hidden bears. Strangely enough, I passed the test five years to the day that I first got my California ID, which expires this year. Got it just in time? =D

4. Getting a new job.
Can’t divulge too many details yet because everything still up in the air, but all I have to do is make sure my background check runs smoothly. I might have a new job (on salary with benefits!) within 1-2 months!

5. School, school, school.
Finishing up a trial course, going to take a language course in the summer, possibly getting back into studying and papers and reading before I do my program curriculum. Going for my Master’s hopefully this year, can’t put school aside for so long.

Honorable Mention? MapleStory
77 GMS Marauder after 3 months? lol noob :’D I gave up on my Wild Hunter and Warrior, but might make a Cygnus Knight to help my Pirate. I have some highly unrealistic goals for my mapling career. Peh, Corsairs. lol

Honorable Mention II- Higher Quality Material Purchases
I used to purposely avoid brand names due mostly to its conflict with my miserly values, and the sheer RIDICULOUSNESS of purchasing the name over the actual item. But I had an epiphany, brought on by the necessity of buying new glasses this year: it’s OK to pay more for excellent quality, and sometimes they come out with some gorgeous, timeless pieces you won’t be able to find anywhere else. Very much like paying $75+ to import a single CD from Japan. Quality first.

Still feeling very conflicted, but I feel slightly better now that it’s in list form, ahah.

What makes it so difficult for people to act on goals?

It’s life, and how gets in the way of the things we really want.

(My question is very arrogant and insensitive. Like I’m not aware of how indecisive I can be about things myself, and how priorities in life demand unequal amounts of our attention. But I’m going to ignore these concerns for now in favor of expression.)

It frustrates me when someone says, “That’s easy to say, but not do.” Because Everything is easy to say. Committing goals by way of speech isn’t very concrete at all. I’ve learned not to judge people by what they say, but what they do, because it is rare to see someone follow through on the things they say they’ll do.

But why leave it to time to take care of the obstacles separating you from your goals? Why not break them down as much as you can now, piece by piece- when every little bit of effort counts?

It’s so easy to see the obstacles in front of you and get discouraged. It doesn’t lessen how much you value the reward on the other side. But when you put effort into proving how much your goal means to you and finally attain it after good effort, the reward is just that much sweeter. And then there is no question that you truly deserve it. Accept that you’re being discouraged now, and work through it.

We also tend to look at other successful people and wonder how they got there, and the opportunities afforded to them, and the lucky breaks they must’ve had during their possibly-not-even-tough journeys. We invalidate their success by attributing it to factors outside of their control, because it just can’t be true- that perseverance and actual effort are enough to get you places.

Comparing yourself to other people is so useless and negative. You are not them or ever will be. Relish the fact that you’re your own person instead. You can aspire to be like them in your own way. I’m my own worst enemy, my own rival. I am the only person I’m competing against- people with this kind of mentality are almost always highly successful in life. They’ve got it figured out.

Work through the obstacles. Life is finite. We only have a certain number of years before expiration. If you’re not going to work towards getting what you want now, what are you working on that is so important?

This mentality is the ‘me’ now. A stark contrast from the ‘me’ just last December. And a lot more disorganized in my thinking, obviously. lol

Laptop Failures
1. Battery will not take charge – portability compromised.
2. Speakers are shot.
3. USB ports 2/4 are out of order.
4. Screen backlight is dead.
5. Optical drive does not recognize cds. – the last straw, so to speak.

Hence, there is no hope in formatting this laptop before I get my new computer. I’ve already considered the options; they all involve a lot of effort and time on my hands which I do not have currently. I wish I had the sense to do this earlier in the year when I did. ahah

Solutions I Will Probably Not Attempt
A) Connect an external dvd drive
Risks: External won’t be recognized, possibility of ever using this comp again: 0%. Also note that display will probably not default to external monitor too, ahah.
B) Partition to C and D, use ghost to load XP from D / run XP on both partitions then format C.
Risks: Will take toll on memory. Might start to use hard disk space as memory, and that’s already limited since I can’t even clear stuff. Also runs risk of losing access completely, if this fails, lol.
C) Load Linux from USB.
Pros: Yay working OS without CD!
Risks: I don’t like linux, lol.

Conclusion: I can’t use a computer with just one optical drive anymore.

Apologies for the highly unrelatable, fragmented post. lol. For the strangely curious, I’ve been very happy since my last entry; life in general is so much better nowadays. I might have to write it all up soon, possibly when I finally get my desktop. ahah

You know what would be a douche move? If NK starts World War III on 12-21-12 just to fulfill the prophecy, but nothing catastrophic is slotted for the date otherwise. DOUCHEBAGS.

But on to my thing I want to pick at, the thought that crossed my mind earlier today:

What an insufferable life I must lead for my biggest worry in 2010 to be questions about my love life. ahah

No, really, it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been chewing it over like someone gifted me a big bag of Mixed Feelings for Christmas. (AD: From beloved classics such as Anxiety and Nervousness, to surprises like Guilt and Paranoia! Now you can feel them all at the same time all year long!)

When the whole family gets together around the holidays, the one question that gets old faster than “How have you been,” is “Do you have a boyfriend now?” It’s like they’re in a rush to see me be happier, as if being in a relationship instantly means greater happiness (and I agree for the most part). But I am reminded of all the factors that make it currently impossible. Actually, I go through a whole list/dialogue with myself:

1. My last dating experience was a flop that just made a mess of things with someone really cool.
2. I’m still working on improving my quality of life and the effort for all this takes up my attention,
3. meaning I don’t get a lot of quality me-time,
4. which results in me being unsociable and hermit-y on my days off from work. /intj
5. So I rarely hang out with my friends who are all as equally busy mostly with school still,
6. I don’t meet new people at all and this obviously limits my options,
7. I can be picky (lol)
8. and my mind constantly reminds me of the various creepers I’ve encountered these past two years alone.

Maybe I make it more complicated than it really is, but that’s how I roll. I worry too much over the small issues in private, then answer the personal questions like it comes naturally to me.

Anyway, this year, I kinda hope there would be plenty of opportunity to find time for romantic endeavors, if I decide to go down that route. It’s like wishing myself good luck in whatever I do should I choose to do it, which is what I do every year anyway. And think of all the wishing opportunities for 2011 (that would be cool if I was the Wishing At 11:11A/P type)!:

1-1-11
1-10-11
1-11-11
11-1-11
11-10-11
11-11-11!

Reminds me of a clockface puzzle for Professor Layton.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday before the new year crept up on you, like it did to me. Time was too quick last year. I can still vividly remember being in Vegas for last year’s celebration, making declarations to my family about NEXT YEAR NEW YORK DEFINITELY! Then there we were crowded in front of the TV watching the ball drop in NYC for this year’s countdown, haha.

I’d update more often if it weren’t for the severe lack of spontaneity in my life thanks to the ol’ 9 to 5.

But next Saturday is Luna Sea’s concert at the Palladium! Aaaand- fodder for this post: I’m being really, really anxious about it. Inexplicably.

Instead of that great rush of excitement that you get in anticipation, it’s more about dread and anxiety for me (even when Fun is a likely consequence). Up until the day of any anticipated event, be it socially-motivated or a private affair, I will seriously consider bailing out of plans sometimes made months in advance for the dumbest reasons I can come up with:

Friend’s birthday party? We’re not that close anyway. School-organized orientation mixer for new students? Two hours of matching faces to names and not remembering a day later, that’s fun. Rare reunion concert for a favorite band for the first and possibly only time in the US? They’re probably coming back together anyway so there’ll be another chance, ahaaa-

Though, I don’t call them dumb excuses only for the humor in self-deprecation. In those very last moments between I Can Still Go and Damnit Now I Can’t Go, I will size up those cop outs, suck it up, go through my plans, then have the most memorable experiences of my life.

I don’t know why I get like this! Is it some deep-seated antisocial tendencies for normal interaction with sentient beings? (lol) A personality disorder, or conditioned behavior? I feel like it prohibits me from getting the most out of the good things in life, but not really because I end up going through with my plans anyway.

If it doesn’t take over your way of life, then it’s not a disorder.

I just wish that I can skip the anxiety part altogether.

P.S.  I don’t think there’s ever a ‘good kind of nervousness.’ That’s just a load of self-help bull. “Channel that nervous energy into a positive whatever-” the first time I put that mantra to use during my presentation for speech class, I stuttered through my speech like I was born with it.** Tangents aside, I can’t enjoy the fun of anticipation like everyone else even though I’d like to. Anticipation is a very scary thing for me, but I’m not sure if I should do something about it.

**events possibly exaggerated by a previous public-speaking phobia

A year after graduation, I can see where I came from but not yet where I’m going. It’s not that I don’t have dreams, but that I have too many. I want to do this, that, everything. I’m a realist, I know you can only pursue one dream to the fullest. Everything else I have to put aside. But how do you pick just one?

It was so much easier before. I always had an answer for: What do you want to be when you grow up?

• pediatrician
• astronaut
• aeronautic engineer
• psychiatrist
• organizational consultant
• CEO/business owner

The answers came so easily. I didn’t have to doubt my answer until I wanted to change it. Didn’t take into account other factors that might influence my decision. I wanted to be something and it instantly became my goal in life.

Now it’s not so easy. You can’t ignore responsibility, familial ties, financial status.

Here’s where people would usually say to me, You’re young, do whatever you want while you still can. But that’s the kind of irresponsible thinking I detest. I’m not the type of person to leave my family behind, for one thing. I believe in compromise, in that I can achieve my dreams while remaining close to them.

Some might see this as something that’s holding me back, but honestly, if I didn’t have their support I wouldn’t be who I am right now. I wouldn’t like myself very much. I can’t stand people who don’t appreciate where they came from and how they got there.

Anyway, it’s me who’s being indecisive. I’m being scared of my options, making mistakes and permanence. Consequences. How do I know to choose what’s right for me? What if I choose the wrong option?

I don’t make my decisions based on emotions. I always weigh my pros and cons. I don’t plan to change this now. Because all my decisions up to this point have been the best I’ve ever made, mistake or not.

This is just one of those many times of internal struggle before a solid decision is made.